A deep gap took place in my soul that I tried to fill in all ways, but suddenly GOD filled it with his blessings, words, and His believers, and he protected us from this gap, so that it doesn’t destroy me and my family.
My name is “Mary Milsen Laila”, from “Pogo” tribe; I’m married to pastor Eskander from “Moro” tribe. We grew up in Khartoum and we got married, then we went back to the South. We spent our marriage years in happiness; how wonderful is to have your partner as your supporter from every aspect, we have been told by many people that we look like each other, even in our ideas and opinions.
Until 2013, when we went to Nairobi, Kenya, and my husband suffered from an ear issue, at first we thought it was simple, but then we were shocked to know that the issue has evolved and became a cancer!
We didn’t lose hope, we hoped for healing, and we thought we could find a way out, so we requested help from wise and experienced doctors, but eventually the pastor lost his life on the 20th of October 2015.
It was an unbearable pain for me; it’s very hard to lose a loved one. Especially when you have planned for many things you wanted to do together. It seems to me that the situation will never be the same and that many problems and challenges are awaiting me, but this time I am facing them alone.
Days went on very slowly, and every day, I missed my husband more, and my wounds also multiplied. But the most heartbreaking of all: was accusing me of being the cause of my husband’s death, although many people knew of his illness before he died, they blamed me so much, that I wished I was the one who died instead of him.
And what made this accusation even heavier, is that some doubted my love for my husband, they even thought I killed him to get an inheritance, so I had to suffer a lot to make the people of my society change their minds, and to believe that no woman who loves her husband could ever wish him death, even if there is an interest in it. So I asked The Lord to help me overcome these challenges.
It has been three years since my dear husband died, I realized that people don’t cry the death of their loved ones in one day; because Eskander’s death opened a deep inner gap inside of me. I felt like I was a bird with no wings. I had lots of questions that I couldn’t find answers for. Yes, Eskander died, but what about tomorrow? How can I take decisions? And how can I deal with my daughters?
I was trying to fill this gap in every way; I was like a blind person who tries to find his way, or like a little child who tries to learn to walk, trying to support himself by anything.
It wasn’t a financial matter; as you may have many resources, but yet it won’t compensate the loss of your life partner. It was a very difficult phase in my life. But later on, and bit by bit, I was able to accept my situation. Until today when I talk about “Eskander”, the wound reopens and the bleeding starts all over again.
Overcoming the ordeal:
It was a tough time, but I thank God for his arrangements; for he sent me some friends from church, they supported me, and their encouraging words gave me a lot of strength.
However, reliance on God was the solution, and knowing God, made me able to overcome every hard obstacle; I was able to see Him by my side. I realized that God is always good; he used to give me many promises and verses from the Holy Bible, which helped me overcome the tough situation I faced.
I used to share, with my best friend God, every little detail. One time I prayed, saying:” my daughter here wants to go to university and the children want to go to school.” I used to see God open many doors for me.
Although people in southern Sudan always blamed someone for someone else’s death, I once prayed to God saying: “O Lord, please help me forgive those who insulted and accused me of killing my husband. They don’t know the cruelty of death.”
My dears… Let’s hold on to God, and remember that He exists and He gives us the proper strength to continue our lives.
Definitely, I don’t wish to see young people losing their life partners, but if this has ever happened to you, get closer to God, because condolences come from Him alone. That is how you will be able to deal with the situation. It is difficult to stand alone in front of the challenges you face, but you need a friend to stand by your side, to give you an advice, to remove obstacles, and you won’t find anyone who is stronger, more wisdom, or more wonderful than God to be your friend.